Monday, December 26, 2011

Fast Five

Ok, so i'm jumping  on this late...but what can i say..i don't exactly have a lot of time on my hands.

I heard about the movie through Don Omar's song off the Original Motion Picture Soundtrack, cos his video features snippets of the movie and it was set in Brasil, yada yada, as you can imagine i got excited.


Fast foward to December 2011, when i do finally find the time to watch a DVDrip of it, and i can barely believe my eyes after the 1st 5 minutes.


First of all...did Vin Diesle's x'ter get arrested in Fast Four?....ok lets say he did..i don't remember, ok now he's been tried etc etc, somehow, he's the only one of his crew that got caught...fine...then on his way to prison, he a bunch of big time criminals are transported through some deserted desert backroad in a flimsy looking bus with barely a guard on it. (btw, my school buses have more guardrailings...never mind that there's minimal access to the emergency outlet, medical students are clearly more dangerous)

Somehow...in a bid to be non descript, this rickety bus with 1 guard and 40 odd criminals is travelling without a convoy of preceding and succeding armed police escorts. REally? REALLY? really? If incognito is the way to go then these "world leaders" must really want to get assasinated! If you want to know how to "safely" or to pretend to want to seem to be trying to safely transport someone/something from point A to B, pls ask an African President...you need at least 5 motorcyles, 3 cars that you're obviously not in, people hanging out the window, honking and at least 2 cars....that you're possibly in. then throw in the extra hangers on just trying to beat traffic :)
Surprise surprise, his crew appear out of nowhere! on this straight, deserted, desert backroad...create some commotion and successfully break him out.

Physics cap on now guys: KE=0.5mv2

the tiny ass sports car travelling at 120kmph will have more E than the big as slow ass bus...yeah...then the car stops in the middle of the road and now that KE=0! so all that show really had nothing to do with anything really, and honestly, no one in a big ass car is scared of a stationary small ass car....especially a fancy one showing off in the middle of the road, why the hell was the driver even bothered, how the hell didn't he know what the hell was going on, how was the freaking sports car carrying enough fuel to make that journey to that straight, deserted, desert backroad, what the hell was the other car doing during all this, and HOW in the world did a big ass bus crash into that car and go flying...leaving the small ass, annoying ass sports car standing exactly where we left it?

WTF?


Im not going to go into how everyone should have died in that crash...by agreeing to watch the movie...i basically agreed to the premise that the lead can never die...no matter how ridiculous the narrow escape.


2. blah blah blah, reunion...i don't even remember what happens but somehow, they end up in Brazil, ofcourse the lead female is pregant cos she plays with a baby and vomits. How they decide to rob whatever is beyond me, and obv irrelevant to the story. Ok, so they need money and decide to rob the baddest guy in Brazil...which as far as bad guys go...is really badass! I'll just skip right to the crew and their "credentials" :

Blah blah blah explosives guys
At least Tego and Don Omar blew up a toilet...instead of Tego Calderon speaking the Spanish he knows how to speak, and don Omar speaking the English he knows how to speak, somehow they got the roles confused so we end up not understanding either of them...not that it was inportant to the plot
A fast talker who can slick talk his way into and out of anything
- tyrese, whose role ended up being to carry a box into the police station....not only did he fail to "inflitate" in anyway shape or form, clearly, the brasilian postal service could have dropped the "special package" at the front desk like Tyrese ended up doing?


Someone who can blend in anywhere


Speaking of the moussad chic, did she really have to be spending her finally-made it-life-is-good-i-have-no-problems-cos -i-have-a-ridiculous-amount-of-money time in Germany? (As cool as making out while doing 120 on the autobahn was)

I digress, as usual there has to be a random street race where you can win a car, cos that's how it's done and Vin Diesel always wins etc etc, loud music, skimpily clad girls etc etc. You're a wanted criminal, you randomly show up, the Rock on steroids ishunting you, despite all this his wins (hurray) and the plot thickens. Now after embarrasing this native-street-racer-kingpin, you show up exactly where the Rock is expecting you, and somehow, he can't arrest you despite his aresenal of guns cos everyone in the spot is packing...

Cos this is brasil!
Spare me!!!!!! there was so much wrong with that scene i can't even begin..or criminals always stick together? or it's the street racer bro code...

Bring in the baddest man in Brazil....he was actually a cool dude...as far a dialouge went...the random colonial references were...if not inacurate, insensitive at best...so basically after failing to overpower the Brazilian natives, the Spanish learnt their lesson and applied a different principle to successfully colonize the rest of South America? I see.
How his crew remianed loyal after the his source of power (the money) was seen flailing away like a kite on a string by a bunch of Gringos is beyond me, and if his dude had the whole PD in his pocket, why the hell didn't he keep the money there from the jump off? It's all good...safe houses are the way to go.

Ah hah! now i remeber how they crossed paths with senhor Bad Man....he had to retrieve a chip with "damning information" this fool couldn't have sent his right hand man to just get the damn PDA from the car, slip back into the train cabin, and no one would have ever been the wiser! shoot, he himself could have been on that damn train in disguise and no one would have been the wiser. What the hell do u need to steal 3 cars for, when u don't even need the 1 car that ur interested in...it's not a distraction...that was just dumb...as evidenced by how his grand plan failed.

hmm... as for the Rock and the random cop who lives in the favela, i have nothing to say, a random Brazilian babe needed to be in the movie, and somehow that was the best role/entry they could give her. No yawa.

All the movie does is basically tear Rio de Janiero to shreds, all those poor poor Oi telephone booths...dragging a 1000tonne safe around....like it was a light weight trailer....hmm, no friction in carioca land abi... everyone lives happily ever after, fine-ass Paul Walker, the sister, Vin and the yawa carioca police chic, on some beach, the Peurto Rican couple on holiday together, in a casino trying to loose all their money together and Tyrese and Luda just being fools.

but wait!
the movie isn't over! the Rock is doing paper work and in sashays tun tun tun!!!!! Eve Mendes! with some information...tun tun tun....Rodrigues (Vin's soul mate from the previous movie) who died...came back to life through an ancient Samoan ritual, is apparenlty still alive and doing bad things in Germany...tun tun tun...lets see what happens in Fast Six; destroy Australasia...

KMT
- cue random Asian dude in a hawaiian shirt. who ends up doing nothing but sitting at the beach with the moussad chic, eating chips and wearing a variety of floral prints.